"I'm post-post-conservative-Christian" or "After the bullshit"

Faced with the annoyance of life at Trinity, with two diametrically opposed factions, I've decided that I'm officially post-post-conservative-Christian, or possibly, I'm Neo-Pre-Modern.

A brief history.

I was not always a Christian. Rather than create a sob-story or "glory-story" testimony, I will leave it there. I will say that I always believed in God. But before I became a Christian in high school, I did not live a "good" Christian life. Though I had some sense of morality, I lied, backstabbed, drank, smoked. The usual.

When I became I Christian, I bought into a better life. That was it. I was sick of what I was doing because it wasn't making me happy.

(Almost seven years later, I find myself in a similar position, but for different reasons. Odd.)

Trusting in a God who, for some reason, loved me sounded like a good place to start a new life. I think I was pretty idealistic. I had delusions of lifting Jesus high and being nice to people that I had once been mean to. I still smoked and drank the odd beer for the first six months or so, until I went to a camp/convention where I was told that I could be "free" from all my addictions and transformed into a new person. I took the bait and quit smoking. Or tried to. It last for about three months before I lapsed. I managed to not drink for considerably longer, but one trip to Mexico sent me back to square one.
As time passed after my becoming a Christian, it became more obvious to me that my lifestyle needed to change. It needed to match what was expected of me, what was expected of a good Christian, a youth leader.

Consequently, by the time I finished 1oth grade, I managed to rid myself of most of my bad habits.
And I began to turn on those who had not. My friends, my own family.

My brothers, who had become Christians at roughly the same time as I had, did not fare as well in the Christian world.
My eldest brother was drinking and sleeping with his girlfriend, a choice that eventually led to his impregnating her that summer.
My other brother was selling drugs again.
My mother was sick.

I was no help to them.
Confused and completely uncertain what to do, I turned inward, throwing myself into school and church, judging them for their behaviour. I fell into the ritual of class, homework, worship practice, church, daily "devotions" and see-you-at-the-pole-rallies.
When I left for college at the end of Grade 12, I was not leaving home. I was leaving a shelter in which I lived and consumed food.

But something had snapped in me that last summer after high school, and I had begun losing faith. I could no longer pray.

When you die on the inside it's not instant. It felt like tapeworm. The more good Christian things I fed myself with, the less satisfied I felt.

My second year at TWU, I met some Christians unlike any I had ever met. They were passionate about theology and such, but they drank and smoked and swore. The demon that had been growing inside me for nearly three years was suddenly released. I became post-Conservative-Christian.

"Fuck Community Standards. Fuck these people who tell me that I can't do this or that. What the fuck do they know about being human? Or about being Christian"

"It's all bullshit. Every last ounce of pretentious, self-righteous blathering. Rules, and more rules. When was the last time the church did anything to reach out to the community? Where are the real Christians, the ones who are radical like Jesus, who hang out with prostitutes and cast-outs?"


In the time that has passed since I become post-conservative-Christian, I've made and heard such rants.
And in a lot of ways my opinions have not changed. I cringe at the thought of going to another protestant church service. I don't think there is one right way to be a Christian, and my way of being is not any better - or worse - than yours.

But. I'm exhausted by it all. I'm sick of being sick of it all.

I've gone from dogmatic to disillusioned to dull.

dull ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dl)
adj. dull·er, dull·est

1. Intellectually weak or obtuse; stupid.
2. Lacking responsiveness or alertness; insensitive.
3. Dispirited; depressed.
4. Not brisk or rapid; sluggish: Business is dull.
5. Not having a sharp edge or point; blunt: a dull knife.
6. Not intensely or keenly felt: a dull ache.
7. Arousing no interest or curiosity; boring: a dull play.
8. Not bright or vivid. Used of a color: a dull brown.
9. Cloudy or overcast: a dull sky.
10. Not clear or resonant: a dull thud.

I'm post-post-conservative-Christian. Or maybe neo-pre-Modern.

I do not know what I believe anymore, at least not in any concrete sense.

I believe in faith.

I believe in a God who loves me. And I think the best thing I can do with myself in this life is try to love Him and other people.

that's it. no more bullshit.